Smile & Laugh 01 (May 08 - Oct 08)

[helios]

yo,

e subcutaneous fatS part is cute ...

[millionairemind]

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[millionairemind]

Respectfully Cheating
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

[millionairemind]

He Said, She Said
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you have succeeded.

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said...No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

[millionairemind]

Dearest Wife
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.

The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email.

Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier.

She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[millionairemind]

This one's quite funny.. Written by a Malaysian blogger

Singaporeans, don’t hate me please
Malaysian blogger Susan Loong

How much would it cost to (telephone) call Singapore from Hell? You’d be surprised!

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Lee Kuan Yew die and go to hell. But the devil has only one phone there. Queen says, I miss my England, can I use your phone and hear how my people are doing down there.

She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks: Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call? The devil says: Five million pounds. She writes him a cheque and goes back to her chair.

Clinton wants to make a call too. He says I wanna call the US. He talks about ten minutes, then asks how much do I owe you devil? The devil says Ten million dollars He also writes a cheque and goes back to his seat

Lee Kuan Yew is jealous. He says I want to call Singapore. He calls and talks for about an hour to his son Lee Hsien Loong who is busy trying to find Mas Selamat. Then he asks the devil how much do I owe you?

The devil replies: only one dollar. Lee Kuan Yew is shocked and asks ‘why so little?’.
The devils says: if you make a call from one hell to another, IT’S LOCAL CALL.

[millionairemind]

Going Down French Style!
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for
a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing??!"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

[millionairemind]

Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

[millionairemind]

Honey it's me
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: How much?"

WOMAN: $60,000.

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[millionairemind]

Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"