Smile & Laugh 01 (May 08 - Oct 08)

[helios]

Actually, I've never seen such names on the menu in China..

yeah, i think it shld be 宫保鸡丁 gong bao ji ding ... interest'g why they twist e language?

[Cherry]

Subject: Super Salesman from India


An Indian man moves to Montreal , Canada and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The man says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home". Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get the idea?" "Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today? The man says, "One" The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales per day. How much was the sale for?" The man says, "$101,237.64." The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?" The man replied, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he
said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero." The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!" The man says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you might as well go fishing."

[helios]

yeah, thanks cherry,

salesmen can sell ice to eskimos.

[kennynah]

Actually, I've never seen such names on the menu in China..

yeah, i think it shld be 宫保鸡丁 gong bao ji ding ... interest'g why they twist e language?

becos Kong Pao is more Pow Wow sounding...

[winston]

Shopper tries on jewelry, bolts with bling
Tue Jun 17, 2008 5:13pm EDT

CALGARY, Alberta (Reuters) - Memo to jewelry store clerks: it is best to let a customer try on just one item at a time.

A Canadian sales attendant learned the lesson the hard way this week when a man strolled into an Edmonton, Alberta, jeweler and asked to see several rings and necklaces, one after another.

Once he had loaded himself up with thousands of dollars worth of trinkets, he made for the door.

Police said the man was last spotted by store and mall security staff grabbing a taxi.

Allowing customers to weigh themselves down with jewelry is "certainly not something that we would recommend as it didn't turn out so well for this store," Edmonton police spokesman Jeff Wuite said on Tuesday.

The suspect is described as 6 feet, 5 inches tall, weighing about 250 pounds (113 kg) with a Chinese symbol tattooed on his neck. The stolen goods are worth about C$10,000 ($9,800).

[winston]

"Curse of the Fuwa" fulfilled by floods
Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:30pm EDT By Lucy Hornby and Alfred Cang

BEIJING (Reuters) - Floods sweeping southern China seem to have fulfilled the final stanza of an Internet curse involving Beijing's Olympic mascots, but censors have been quick to remove postings that might fuel the superstition.

After a devastating earthquake struck Sichuan province last month, Internet users tied four of the five "Fuwa" mascots to the calamities that have struck China in the run-up to the Games, which begin in August. One Fuwa is a panda, the totem of Sichuan.

The others resemble a torch, reminding netizens of the protests against the international Olympic torch rally; a Tibetan antelope tied to widespead demonstrations in Tibetan areas; and a swallow that looks like a kite, linked to a deadly train crash in Shandong province.

The final Fuwa, sporting a fish, was left unexplained in the original superstition as a curse yet to come.

Unexplained, that is, until widespread flooding in southern and central China claimed dozens of lives in June.

"I am in Shenzhen. There is heavy rain for two days and no sign that it will stop... now the curse of the last "fish" has proven correct. What shall we do?" said a post by yellow_hades on Tianya, a popular online forum.

That and similar posts have disappeared quickly this week. China's censors monitor the Internet carefully and remove any posts deemed inflammatory or not in line with government policy.

Major calamities, earthquakes in particular, were viewed in imperial China as a sign that a dynasty had lost the mandate of Heaven.

Although the Communist Party has tried to stamp out "feudal superstition" since it took power in 1949, the Beijing Games will start on the auspicious moment of 8:08 pm, on August 8 2008. Eight is a lucky number in Chinese.

[millionairemind]

Modern world morals
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."

Sign at entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step."

Sign at the exit of the IRS: "Watch your mouth."

Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write."

Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

Were you drinking?
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[winston]

Swearing chef prompts tighter #*@%& rules
Thu Jun 19, 2008 2:46pm EDT By James Grubel

CANBERRA (Reuters) - Foul-mouthed British chef Gordon Ramsay prompted Australia's parliament Thursday to push for tighter rules to protect viewers from swearing on television.

Ramsay's programs are ratings winners on free-to-air television in Australia, but prompted outrage earlier this year when one episode featured the volatile chef using a four-letter expletive more than 80 times in 40 minutes.

The Catholic church called for his shows to be scrapped or shown at a later time, and now an inquiry by the Senate, Australia's upper house, has urged better warnings on programs and new ways for television stations to deal with complaints.

"People were offended by the way Ramsay directed his language toward restaurant staff in an abusive and aggressive manner," inquiry chairwoman Anne McEwen told parliament, saying submissions expressed concern about his swearing and attitudes.

The inquiry stopped short of calling for new laws to tighten censorship, but made 20 recommendations to television stations to review the way they rate programs, what they consider to be coarse language, and how they respond to complaints.

The row came a year after authorities in Britain banned an Australian tourism campaign as offensive for featuring a bikini-clad model who asked "where the bloody hell are you?."

<< Winston's Comment: I've seen that ad in China >>

The Senate findings comes as Australia debates standards of language and behavior. A government politician is under fire for allegedly abusing staff at a nightclub north of Sydney, and for telling a pregnant rival her baby would be born a "demon."

The issue has consumed the Australian media, with prominent columnist Piers Akerman in Sydney's Daily Telegraph saying Australia was becoming a less civil society.

CRUDE CULTURE

Governor-General Michael Jeffery, who represents Britain's Queen Elizabeth as Australian head of state, told a newspaper interviewer that television programs glorified bad manners and foul language.

"There is a culture of crudeness. Crudeness in our language in high public life. The language you see coming out over the television, the language in political areas in some parts. It's a crudity which I don't think is a good thing," Jeffery told the Sydney Morning Herald.

Australia's Nine Network, which broadcasts Ramsay's Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares programs, strongly defended the shows, which it said were among the nation's most popular.

In an inquiry submission, executives defended Ramsay's use of expletives, saying the chef sometimes used them as praise.

Network director of regulatory affairs David Coleman told the inquiry that ratings for the Ramsay programs had increased since the public debate about swearing on television, with a typical program now attracting 1.4 million viewers.

He said the network had received only 12 written complaints about the episode which prompted the Senate inquiry.

"That is one written complaint for about every 117,000 viewers. I think that suggests we are not out of step with community standards," he said.

[kennynah]

The row came a year after authorities in Britain banned an Australian tourism campaign as offensive for featuring a bikini-clad model who asked "where the bloody hell are you?."

<< Winston's Comment: I've seen that ad in China >>

i have seen that in singapore too.....and i thought...it's them... they dont pretend to be some very cultured people...that much i credit them...although, as much as i am a "vulgar" person...i too thought that it was inappropriate for tourism advert.

[millionairemind]

Catholic Girls
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ” Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, “Reeva, What seems to be the rush?” The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.”