Smile & Laugh 06 (Aug 10 - Oct 11)

[Cherry]

EUTHANASIA

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room chatting about things and life.

Then we talked about living and dying.

I said to her: “Dear, if ever I end up in a vegetative state when you are alive, please never let me go on like that, being totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that keep me alive. I'd much rather die.”

Up went my wife from the sofa, with this lingering look of admiration towards me.

She then proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the satellite dish, the DVD player, the computer, the cell phone, the hi-fi, the IPod and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

THAT’S WHEN I ALMOST DIED!!

[Cherry]

Signages

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."

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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

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Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[behappyalways]

Pickup lines

Boy : You are ABCDEFGHIJK

Girl : What does that mean

Boy : Attractive, Brilliant, Cute, Darling, Elegant, Funny, Gorgeous, Hot!

Girl : Awwww! What does IJK mean?

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Boy : I'm Just Kidding ^^

[tonylim]

A Bad Day.

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the milk man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the cyanide capsule in it and while I sit here watching the poison dissolve; a smart arse like you shows up and drinks the whole bloody thing!"

[tonylim]

The Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this-- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $2000 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.''Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $50; just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $50 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT?' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

[kennynah]

hahaha...tony...good one...

[tonylim]

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large brxxxts. Mick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Mick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Mick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Mick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Mick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Mick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Mick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Mick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent brxxxts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Mick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Mick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Mick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Mick.


The moral of the story............


Pay your bills!!!

[millionairemind]

Very funny...

[behappyalways]

Girls Night Out......

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!

[iam802]

I guess situation must be really bad at NYU's Hayden Hall for them to put up the notice.