Smile & Laugh 06 (Aug 10 - Oct 11)

[tonylim]

Overheard in the ocean


Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them? "


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

[kennynah]

fah nee ......thanks tony

[tonylim]

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "


To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.


"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer


"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

[tonylim]

Honeymoon........


A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, 'What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

'I had tolio as a child,' he answered.

'You mean polio?' she asked.

'No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

'What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!

'As a child, I also had kneasles,' he explained.

'You mean measles?' she asked.

'No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

'Don't tell me,' she said.

'Let me guess...

Smallcox?

[millionairemind]

hahaha.... funny.. ....

[Cherry]

An old speech but still valid today........


David Marshall In 1994:

I've got nothing against money. I'd like to have money myself! I'd like to
have a house and a garden and dogs and a car and a chauffeur but, look,
I've got a flat. I've got a swimming pool attached to the flat. I've not
even got a car but I use taxis. I have a dignified way of life without
being wealthy.

I don't see the necessity of owning a Mercedes-Benz and a swimming pool
and a couple of mistresses. I think we've got our values all wrong.

You know $96,000 a month for a Prime Minister and $60,000 a month for a
minister. What the hell do you do with all that money? You can't eat it!
What do you do with it? Your children don't need all that money.

My children have had the best of education. In fact, I'm very proud of
them. One of them is a senior registrar to two major hospitals in Oxford.
Another of them is a consultant in European law to the Securities and
Investment Board in the United Kingdom. They've had their education. There
are no complaints.

I never earned $60,000 a month or $90,000 a month. When I was Chief
Minister, I earned $8,000 a month.
Look, what is happening today is we are encouraged to and are becoming
worshippers of the Golden Calf.

We have lost sight of the joy and excitement of public service, helping
our fellow men. The joy and excitement of seeking and understanding of the
joy of the miracle of the living the duty and the grandeur. We have lost
taste for heroic action in the service of our people.

We have become good bourgeois seeking comfort, security. It's like seeking
a crystal coffin and being fed by intravenous injections through pipes in
the crystal coffin; crystal coffins stuck with certificates of your
pragmatic abilities.

[millionairemind]

Stuff movies teach us
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

[millionairemind]

The angry preacher...

The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"

No one moved.

The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

[tonylim]

>Can you figure this out ...... ??

>Three friends check into a motel for the night and the clerk tells them the bill is $30, payable in advance.
>So, they each pay the clerk $10 and go to their room.

>A few minutes later, the clerk realizes he has made an error and overcharged the trio by $5.
>He asks the bellhop to return $5 to the 3 friends who had just checked in.

>The bellhop sees this as an opportunity to make $2 as he reasons that the three friends would have a tough time dividing $5 evenly among them; so he decides to tell them that the clerk made a mistake of only $3, giving a dollar back to each of the friends. He pockets the leftover $2 and goes home for the day!

>Now, each of the three friends gets a dollar back, thus they each paid $9 for the room which is a total of $27 for the night. We know the bellhop pocketed $2 and adding that to the $27, you get $29, not $30 which was originally spent. Where did the other dollar go????

[tonylim]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'

Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.'


'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'


'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

--------------------------------------

---------- ---------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.

Of course, John,'his wife said softly.

'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'

'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.

With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what.. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison' .