Smile & Laugh 01 (May 08 - Oct 08)

[millionairemind]

haha!!!!

There is an old saying - "Only the mother knows who is the real father"

[iam802]

For adults only. And if you don't like off colour jokes... don't read.

Hidden Content:

An anthropologist discovers a never before seen tribe. To avoid tainting the subject matter, he sets up a blind and hides out, observing. He listens in long enough to discover that they are perhaps the most peaceful people on the entire planet. Just nice. He is fascinated and over months slowly starts to understand the language. Then one night while sleeping he is awoken by an angry warrior. He had been discovered in his hiding spot.

Taken before the tribe's chieftain, his rough treatment is surprising him. He did not think that even the warrior class would be this rough with captives, given his experience and previous observations. Luckily he can understand most of what the chief is yelling.

"You were spying. We can not accept this. You are given a choice. DEATH or BOOLA BOOLA". Pondering this, and seeing the rage in their eyes the anthropologist chooses boola boola. Well, boola boola is rape, by everyone in the tribe. Starting at the weakest and ending with the largest and strongest warriors. He barely makes it through the next few days alive. After the fact, warriors take him and chump him in the river to float away.

After a period of recovery the scientist is completely confused. How could this peaceful tribe do this? His curiousity gets the better of him and he sneaks back to further his study. Taking great care he hides himself again and observes. He notices nothing but peacful behaviour.

Alas after only a few short days he is once again discovered and dragged before the chief. "DEATH or BOOLA BOOLA". Well, he decides that this time he can not endure another episode, so he whispers in defeat, "death".

The chief shouts; "DEATH! DEATH ... BY BOOLA BOOLA!"

[millionairemind]

The Perfect Christmas Tree
Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"

Meeting St. Peter
Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!

Parachute Jumping
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"


The Bet
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

[sidney]

haha!!!!

There is an old saying - "Only the mother knows who is the real father"

Well, if you watch Mamma Mi...

[kennynah]

....She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me

all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.'

hahahaha....wahahaha....funny....

[Cherry]

Adult joke...

Hidden Content:

A Dog Named SEX

Everybody who has a dog calls him 'Rover' or 'Boy'. I call mine 'Sex'. He's a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his licence, I told the clerk I would like a licence for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too".
Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I have Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny - I have the same problem."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.

[millionairemind]

The Brunette, Blonde And Red Head Do The Breaststroke

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina
Doing only the breaststroke
The only three women who entered the race were a Brunette
A Redhead and a Blonde

After approximately 14 hours, the Blonde staggered up on the shore
She was declared the fastest breaststroker

About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled declared the second place finisher

Nearly 4 hours after that, the Brunette finally came ashore
And promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race

She replied
"I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser
But I think those two other girls were using their arms"

[millionairemind]

The brunette had been married about a year
One day the she came running up to her husband, jumping for joy
He didn't know how to react
So he started jumping up and down along with her

"Why are we so happy?" he asked
She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about"
She stopped, breathless from all the jumping up and down
"I'm pregnant!" she gasped

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for quite a while
He grabbed her, and kissed her
"Wow, that is wonderful," "I couldn't be happier"

Then she said, "Oh, honey there's more"
"What do you mean more?", he asked
"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

He was amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant
"How do you that," he asked

"It was easy," she said
"I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit"
"Both tests came out positive!"

[millionairemind]

Remember those Chinese takeout menu in the US?? Tiny little takeout can make 100 different dishes..

A single Chinese man owns a Chinese restaurant, and one day a beautiful Chinese woman walks in. He immediately walks over and asks her out on a date. She agrees. They go out for a while, and soon, the man proposes to her. She says "Yes, but before we do, there's something you must know. I have never had the sex, but I've read about it." He says that it's not a problem, and they are married.

On their honeymoon, the man tells his wife that since she's a virgin, she can choose what they do first. She says "Oh, most honorable husband. I am honored to be your wife, even though I have never had the sex, but I've read about it. So, I have chosen to have the 69.

The husband looks confused, and after thinking about it, he says "You want.. the beef and broccoli?"

[Cherry]

Funny Quotes

One should love animals. - They are so tasty .

Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.

There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !

"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, - three's the result!

Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children