Smile & Laugh 01 (May 08 - Oct 08)

[millionairemind]

Crawling Home
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad".
(at this point he was loaded drunk)

He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?".

He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"!

He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.

The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!"

The man replied with "NO WAY!"
And the wife said "YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!

[millionairemind]

Saddest Story
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott,
"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."

So Bill start telling jokes.At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

[kennynah]

wahahahahaha.....hahahahaha....

by far, the funniest...

[sidney]

i'm sure codenames is everywhere...

Snake.
Not the one in metal gear solid. But similar in context. All the double-cross and triple-cross esponage. Sticks and stones can't harm me. Words from them can break yr heart.

Silence-killer.
No sound. But u died anyway

Drama-papa; drama ma-ma.
Their career path is destined to be superstars in hollywood

Emo.
Emotionnnalll.. Step 1 [bang table, throw files] step 2 Sobz, step 3 i hate u, step 4 why u picking on me

Broom.
Introduced to management to sweep carpets

Angel.
Your ex-boss. Now u koe shi shang zhi you X-lao ban hao

[millionairemind]

Taken from TalkingCock.com

Singapore Wins Olympic Medal So Ministers Deserve Pay Raise
Posted on Monday, August 18, 2008

Topic: Sports

by Sporting Cock

Rumours have begun circulating that our leaders deserve a pay raise after our country’s first Olympic medal in donnohowmany years.

“I think our Mini-stars deserve a pay raise,” said State’s Times columnist See Koh Fern, who is part of that effort to circulate those rumours. “I mean, we managed to win a medal not just because of the athletes’ efforts but also because our leaders had the wisdom and foresight to import them. If the athletes are getting silver, then I think our leaders should also get some silver. Maybe if we give our Mini-stars gold, we will also win gold in London next time.”

“Absolutely,” said State’s Times deputy editor Charlie Hoong. “They saw very early on how useless local Singaporeans are, and that it’s useless to spend money training them and giving them the resources. It’s so much more efficient to just buy off-the-shelf. I mean, it’s the winning that count mah, not the journey. That’s what sports is all about, right?”

The Prime Minister’s Orifice has refused to comment on whether a Ministerial pay rise will actually follow the Olympic win, but said “the idea is very intriguing and merits consideration.”

“Look, the ping pong medal is definitely an encouraging sign for Singaporean sports,” said Mr. Hoong, “And we should definitely seize this moment to tackle the issue of Singaporean sports. We shouldn’t criticize any pay raise that comes with this, because making people pay more is precisely how this great Gahmen has dealt with almost every big issue facing the country. It’s worked great so far!”

Miss See and Mr. Hoong will be representing the country at the International Media Sports Friendlies, competing in the heavyweight ball-carrying event.

[millionairemind]

From the Chief of TalkingCock.com

MORE DATING TIPS FROM THE PM
Posted on Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Topic: Local News

by Nyonya Kway

So the Prem Binister offered all of us dating tips during his NDP Rally speech.

We looked at the chick he’s been dating, and wondered “Hmmm!” for a while about his qualifications to give the rest of us advice, then decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Then one of our moles sent us a list of more dating tips from the PM which didn’t make it into his speech:

1. Can’t find a girlfriend? Have your dad convene a high level committee to scour the country for a suitable woman.

2. Learn to be a good conversationalist. Hire a team of PR consultants and spin doctors to come up with things to make you seem approachable, amiable and appealing, e.g. “Would you like to come up to my place some time to see my salary?”

3. Be chivalrous. Always have your security guards open the door for your date.

4. Be considerate of your girlfriend’s feelings. When she’s lost yet another few billion dollars, don’t say things to make her feel bad. Be supportive, and ask her to try again.

5. Dress to impress. Tell your PR consultants to design suitable outfits for all occasions for you – suits lah, red polo tee-shirt and white pants lah, all-white ensembles lah… then get some columnist in the State’s Times to gush about how hamsum you are.

6. Take her out to new restaurants and try exotic new dishes. You know, like mee siam with hum.

7. Charm her with compliments, e.g. “Wow, who does your hair? Sergeant Muthumanniam at Nee Soon Camp?”

8. Tantalize her with a hint of some sexy secret, e.g. “You know what secretly turns me on? Slapping.”

9. In this age of equality, it’s no longer required to insist that you pay for your date’s dinner. Why, she might develop a crutch mentality.

10. Be imaginative! Send her gifts that tell her how you really feel. Oh, like a chairmanship to a GLC.

11. Sometimes it’s good to maintain an air of mystery. For instance, every now and then suggest that you’re not actually in charge and that “someone else” is really running the country.

12. Don’t be shallow. Learn to appreciate her inner beauty.

[kennynah]

agree.... give them a thai girl ....

[millionairemind]

Anything You Want!
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...
'Paint my house.'

[winston]

Greek 'Robin Hoods' raid stores to fight high prices

Greek anarchists stormed a supermarket on Thursday and handed out food for free in the latest of a wave of raids provoked by soaring consumer prices.

About 20 unarmed people, mostly wearing black hoods, carried out the midday robbery in the northern city of Thesaaloniki, police said.

Local media have labeled the raiders ''Robin Hoods'' following previous raids.

They take only packets of pasta, rice and cartons of milk which they drop in the middle of the street for people to collect, a police official said.

''They have never stolen money or hurt anyone. They ask people to remain calm but use ambush tactics, jumping over cash desks,'' he said.

''When they attack without hoods, people are surprised to see that they are mostly women.''

REUTERS

[winston]

As discussed with sidney, the above topic would be moved into the "Smile & Laugh" topic