Smile & Laugh 01 (May 08 - Oct 08)

[winston]

Woman mistook naked thief for husband

KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - A Malaysian woman woke up to a real-life nightmare, discovering that the naked man who had slipped into her bed in the middle of the night was a thief, not her husband, a newspaper said on Tuesday.

The 36-year-old housewife was asleep when the thief, noticing that her husband was fast asleep on the couch, quietly stripped off and lay down beside her, the Star newspaper said, quoting a police report filed in the eastern state of Terengganu.

The dozing woman's suspicions were raised when she spoke to him and his voice sounded strange, the paper said.

"She then went to another room and found her husband fast asleep on the couch. That's when she screamed, causing the thief to flee by leaping out the window together with the stolen items," it added.

[millionairemind]

For those who understand Hokkien and like some spoofs that will make your sides split from laughing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwBS578V7d4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEHS6GhJ ... re=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl8t5nJp ... re=related

[kennynah]

unbelievably blur pussy

Woman mistook naked thief for husband
Tue May 13, 2008 2:08pm

KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - A Malaysian woman woke up to a real-life nightmare, discovering that the naked man who had slipped into her bed in the middle of the night was a thief, not her husband, a newspaper said on Tuesday.

The 36-year-old housewife was asleep when the thief, noticing that her husband was fast asleep on the couch, quietly stripped off and lay down beside her, the Star newspaper said, quoting a police report filed in the eastern state of Terengganu.

The dozing woman's suspicions were raised when she spoke to him and his voice sounded strange, the paper said.

"She then went to another room and found her husband fast asleep on the couch. That's when she screamed, causing the thief to flee by leaping out the window together with the stolen items," it added.

[winston]

From Apong with thanks:-

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to
forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for
Strength I'll just beat him to death'


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find
it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while,
the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

[kennynah]

when we were born, we were given baby rings
when we grew older, we bought fashion rings
when our old grannies past on, we get to inherit heirloom rings
when we got engaged, we put on engagement rings
when we get married, we put on wedding rings
and finally, when the younglings are born,
we get sufferings

[millionairemind]

Marital Counseling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[blid2def]

Those who watch CSI may recall an episode where this happened. Disgruntled guy (fed up with airplane noise) shines laser at cockpit, blinds pilot, plane crashes. Amongst the cargo on the plane is also a dead body, leading to a sub-plot, blah blah.

Anyway, there's an increasing number of such incidents (laser blinding, not corpse cargo):

- Pilots Urge Gov't Alerts on Laser Incidents (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,143494,00.html)

- Cheap laser pointers from eBay used to blind aircraft pilots
(http://www.theinsider.org/news/article.asp?id=872) <-- lots of links here

A 5mW beam has a range of two miles, while a 15 mW beam will blind a person 20 miles away, and 45 mW lasers are available on the Internet. Much more powerful lasers are available, but these are more expensive and larger than a pen or pointer.

If a basic 5mW green laser is pointed at an aircraft, the beam can light-up the cockpit and blind the pilot with a dazzling flash:-

According to federal authorities, there have been about 400 reported instances of hand-held lasers being aimed at aircraft since the early 1990s.

But the number of incidents is rising, partly because the battery-powered devices can be bought for as little as $5, and also because new green lasers have become more popular than red, as they travel much farther -- as far as two miles.

"You're in an airplane, you're on final approach and suddenly you can't see," said Dan Kidder, a spokesman for the National Air Transportation Association, a trade group. "You can't see your instruments. You can't see your runway. There's the potential for a major accident."

Can you see what Mas Selamat can do at East Coast Park? Scary shit.

[winston]

Dairy farmers pamper cows to boost milk output
DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) -

When it comes to comfort, Kirk Christie's cows have it all -- a new barn, a flat-screen television and waterbeds.

That's because of the dairy farmer's philosophy that a happy cow is a productive cow. More milk means more money, so Christie doesn't mind providing the frills.

"Them cows are my girls," said Christie, who runs a farm near Slater, about 25 miles north of Des Moines. "You ask anybody, I probably think more highly of those cows than I do myself."

Christie's 23 cows spend about 18 hours a day on waterbeds he installed in November. He said the beds, durable rubber mats that lay flat on the ground and are filled with water, were popular with the animals from the beginning. They provide heat for the cows in the winter and coolness in the summer, depending on the water Christie pipes in.

The beds are covered with woods chips for extra padding to prevent friction.

"They really took to them right away," he said. "When they're laying down chewing cud, they're comfortable and happy."

Christie's cows aren't the only ones enjoying such comforts. Industry experts say waterbeds are increasingly being used in dairy farms across the country, as well as in Canada and Europe, where the idea originated more than a decade ago.

The idea is to boost milk production by making the cows more comfortable. Leo Timms, a dairy scientist at Iowa State University, estimates cows with comfortable bedding produce 6 percent more milk daily.

"There's no question, probably one of the most important things is the comfort of the surface they lay on," said Timms, who conducts research at a university dairy facility. "The overwhelming majority (of dairy farmers) understand that."

Christie estimates his cows' milk production has increased 10 percent since he installed the waterbeds. He figured a flat-screen TV couldn't hurt, either, so the cows are spending the spring snoozing in their beds and enjoying "The Oprah Winfrey Show," "Dr. Phil" and other shows.

"The nice part about it is they get used to different voices," Christie said. "A lot of people like to come in and look at my barn. When somebody different comes in and talks, the cows don't get all nervous because they're used to hearing different voices."

While Christie swears by waterbeds, most dairy farmers in the United States use other bedding methods for cows, such as mattresses or sand, industry experts said. Those methods are generally cheaper than waterbeds -- which cost about $200 each -- but require more upkeep, and sand can sometimes damage dairy equipment.

A study released last summer by Colorado State University found that sand and waterbeds are far more comfortable for cows than mattresses, which cause more swelling in their legs.

Temple Grandin, a professor who oversaw the project, predicted the findings would prompt more dairy farmers to invest in waterbeds, but said new dairy facilities would likely be the trailblazers.

"It's going to take time," she said. "Existing dairies just aren't going to change things overnight."

Dean Throndsen is hoping they do. He owns Advanced Comfort Technology Inc., a waterbed company in Reedsburg, Wis., that sells to dairy farms across North America and Europe.

Throndsen said business has flourished since farmers in the United States began investing in waterbeds about three years ago. He said he has lost count of sales but estimates he has sold 200,000 waterbeds.

"And demand is growing tremendously," he said.

[millionairemind]

The Rescue

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped."The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

[kennynah]

wrote this cold joke before so repeat here...

there were 6 sons in a household....their names...in order of age are Yi Lang, Er Lang, San Lang, Si Lang, Wu Lang and Liu Lang...

whenever a visitor comes around, they would always look for one particular son....question is which one?