Smile & Laugh 01 (May 08 - Oct 08)

[jenny]

iam802

pull something = make something longer,

NOT break something.

[kennynah]

cherry/jenny : a very warm welcome to both of you.... hope you will have a terrific experience at Huatopedia

[millionairemind]

[millionairemind]

Saw these jokes on CNA forum... tot they were darn funny and you guys might like it.

#1

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house
is $1,800,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $1,800,000 mortgage & no bike!"

#2

A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news. The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”

They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS.

Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”

The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”

#3

A kid was taking a shower with his mom and asks, "what are those things on your chest?" Not wanting to answer she changed the subject.

The next day the boy went up to his dad and asked "What are those things on Mommy's chest?" he replied "They are balloons so when Mommy dies they will inflate and she will float to heaven.

A couple weeks later the father comes home early and his son runs out and says "Daddy, Daddy, Mom is dying" the father asks "what are you talking about?"

"Well, Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling "Oh God. I'm coming”

#4

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,"I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a
three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

#5

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, d**k, let's go".

#6

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

#7

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

#8

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[millionairemind]

You're a Statue
A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

'Don't move! You're a statue!'

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"

[winston]

Cell phone companies scramble to halt trafficking
MIAMI (AP) -

For less than $15, you can buy a cell phone loaded with minutes. You can buy more as you go whenever those minutes run out. Best of all, you aren't locked into a long-term contract.

But in South Florida, New York, California, Georgia, Texas and elsewhere, traffickers have figured out they can make big profits by purchasing thousands of these low-cost phones and tweaking the software so that calls can be made on any cell network. The altered phones are then sold all over the world -- costing the phone companies tens of millions of dollars.

Some traffickers employ dozens of people full-time as "runners" to buy the phones at retail stores so they can later be hacked into and resold. The problem for the phone companies is that they often sell the phones at a loss, instead making their money when customers have to buy additional minutes from them -- a guaranteed profit once the phone is sold. But the phone companies have no guarantee that customers will buy minutes from them after the phones are hacked or shipped to a far-off country.

It's technically not illegal to unlock the software on your personal cell phone -- but the companies are hoping to put a stop to traffickers that they say are siphoning away profits. Led by Miami-based TracFone Wireless Inc., makers of the low-cost prepaid cell phones are suing traffickers in federal courts around the country. One such lawsuit resulted in a criminal conviction in Houston when a man disobeyed a court order by refusing to stop selling the phones.

"There is a lot of profit in it," said James Baldinger, a West Palm Beach attorney with the Carlton Fields firm who represents TracFone. "Even as we continue to shut people down, we do find there are people still engaged in it. TracFone is going to keep going after them."

These phones are typically sold by traffickers for between $40 and $60 above the discounted TracFone price -- and they are frequently marketed in lots of 10,000 or more. Web sites catering to these dealers boast about having huge numbers of unlocked cell phones.

TracFone has filed 39 lawsuits in recent months -- more than half of them in South Florida -- seeking to stop companies and individuals from trafficking in its phones. Similar lawsuits have been filed by AT&T, Nokia Corp., Virgin Mobile USA Inc. and Motorola Inc.

TracFone and the others argue that federal laws protect their trademarks and copyrighted software. They say the phones must be used with minutes bought from the company that sold the phones. TracFone and other companies lose customers -- and therefore profits -- when people buy minutes from other cell phone companies.

Not everyone involved believes it is wrong. A company called Incomtel that bills itself as "cellular suppliers to the world" was among those recently sued by TracFone. Its lawyers argued in court that it's perfectly legal to buy phones from stores such as Wal-Mart, CVS and Target and modify them to work on any cell phone system.

The company contended in court documents that because the phones made by firms such as Motorola and Nokia are purchased on the open market and are repackaged for resale, Incomtel is under no obligations to TracFone.

"If the phone is a Motorola phone, it is operated by Motorola software," the company said. "The fact that TracFone, on its phones, may lock the code and making some minor branding modifications does not render the Motorola or Nokia software a property of TracFone."

So far, TracFone and the other companies have been winning more than losing. Tracfone has obtained more than 15 court orders halting the unlocking and resale of its phones, and has been awarded more than $4 million in damages.

One man could be headed to prison in the first case nationally of its kind.

Muhammed Mubashir, 27, pleaded guilty in May to criminal contempt charges for disobeying a federal judge's order in Houston that he stop trafficking in Virgin Mobile phones. A separate order against Mubashir involved the seizure in 2007 of 1,300 TracFones he was sending to Hong Kong. It was later learned that he sold at least 9,000 TracFones in this way.

It's up to a federal judge to decide if Mubashir should do prison time, but it's clear that TracFone wants an example set. Sentencing is set for Aug. 22.

[millionairemind]

Answers To Everything

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

[LenaHuat]

Read abt this mother-daugher pair at another site and there's a discussion abt whether these are REAL or fakies?

[kennynah]

gotta touch'em to know

the eyes can deceive, but never the hands... hahaha..

[millionairemind]

I say REAL LAH..

Gravity never lies