Smile & Laugh 01 (May 08 - Oct 08)

[millionairemind]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[kennynah]

MM : hahaha....i like this one too...funny...

where in the world do u get so many jokes...?? ingenious...

[millionairemind]

I love to have a good laugh everyday cos' that is the way life is meant to be, including laughing at myself and my own stupidity.

Cannot tell you lah, later lobang pichia, will have to kill you if I do...

To all the readers, please come back everyday, sure got something funny for you to read.. even if market is boring...

[iam802]

Daily dose of medication; laughing.

[millionairemind]

Male assertiveness
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

My Rules
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

[millionairemind]

Since I will be out almost the whole day tomorrow, thought I post my jokes for tomorrow today

Memory Class
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[purplecloud]

Men, you may think you have a command of the English language, but when it comes to communicating with women, you may be surprised. Here is our dictionary of Womanese. Master these terms and you'll find your relationship with women greatly improved.

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

1.Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.


2.That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.


3.Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).


4.Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.


5.Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.


6.Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)


7.Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)


8.Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

[helios]

cute.

PurpleC, what's see #3?

[purplecloud]

Yo San .. didn't realise the numbers went amiss ...... hv appended them ..... now it makes sense .... cheers

[kennynah]

now the men version of verbal communication that women should master, to get their diamonds, cakes and flowers

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Men :

#1 Love You - means, ok, stop nagging ...i need to do something else now...

#2 Did you have a nice shopping trip - means, did u buy up the entire shopping centre and added yet another tiffany's box to the collection?

#3 I will be home soon, honey - means, dont wait up...go to bed, sleep...u'll see me when u wake up

#4 Fine - means, you win...shut up already

#5 Love you too - means, sorry dear, what did you just say a moment ago?

#6 You can have the TV remote - means, don't believe it for a moment that there's a shred of truth

#7 What shall we buy for your mother's birthday present - more accurate if "we" becomes "you"

#8 Dont buy cotton dresses, they shrink after washing - means, you are getting fat